Ever wake up and realize you might have made a huge mistake? Made a choice you might regret changing even though you regret it? These thoughts are currently running rampant in my mind after the events that unfolded today. I would love to share them with you, allow me to provide some back story for some better understanding. I grew up chasing the emotional storm looking for an absolutely perfect moment in time when the sky opens up and the sun streams through the clouds clarifying everything. I am a woman of extremes, when things are good they are incredible and when things are bad well... you can only imagine. I went through my smoking was cool phase and so on but have always had the will to just quit whatever I wanted whenever WILL POWER baby!
I had to live with my grandparents for a while and they most certainly smoke like chimneys. Cigarettes have been a consistent part of my life and I am OK with people doing what they want but my house is smoke free and I am too.
My husband and I both smoked for a while when we dated and I quit and "so did he" we discussed and I said I didn't want to spend my life with a smoker so if that was the case we couldn't be together. I would have been fine staying friends but I did not want a smoker as a life partner.
When I was pregnant with my daughter (she will be 2 in June) my husband smoked cigarettes behind my back, I threw up couldn't stand the smell knew he was smoking but he denied it and lied to me with such ferocity, he made me out to be crazy. One morning after the birth of my daughter I accused him of drinking and staying out late he denied it and I called him a liar. The argument escalated and he admitted to lying to me about smoking the entire time I was pregnant. I was so devastated and hurt by this and he said I was over reacting, he would quit, and he wouldn't lie about it again.
Soon after I discovered I was pregnant again and it was a brutal miserable pregnancy there were times I suspected he snuck a butt here and there, the vehicle stunk like cigarettes constantly and it remained an argument in our life. My son was born in March and I wanted to make my life better and more positive it was important to me that my children were raised by a happy level headed mother who showed them the world was a good place, because there is good in the world. Taxes came in and we purchased a second vehicle which was very exciting for me to have my own car seeing we had been a single car household for some time.
During this switch I lost my coupon book and with a new baby on the way I had been accumulating coupons for formula and diapers, I honestly went in "HIS" car this morning to find my coupons and instead found a pack of cigarettes. CAN I JUST SAY I WENT FROM TODAY I CAN DO THIS TO RAGING MONSTER BITCH FACE IN LESS THAN 10 SECONDS. What the fuck??? When I confronted my husband about the pack of cigarettes he ran the gamut of lies, they are my friends, yeah ummm nope his friend smoke Marlboro's, oh well then they aren't his they are wicked old I found them in my gym bag and just put them there, HEY STUPID there are dates on cigarette packs and I know what a stale smoke smells like...Oh OK fine the truth came out.
He purchased the cigarettes because he had a tough week and he needed an outlet so he went to his crutch because now we don't share a vehicle.
I feel betrayed and I don't feel I can trust him.
I don't know what to think.
RIGHT now I feel I am married to someone sneaky, someone who doesn't care...
